How to Stop Overfunctioning and Reclaim Your Power
How Not To Overfunction
I felt safe enough to let him know how I was feeling, believing it would be easily cleared up.
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A Feedback Loop of Projections
But soon, we were caught in a feedback loop I knew all too well. He believed I was upset because he hadn’t met some unspoken expectation, but that wasn’t it. As usual, it was more about the way he communicated his boundary rather than the boundary itself.
I wasn’t questioning his need for space, just how it was delivered. Yet, the more I tried to explain this, the more defensive he became.
He felt I was dragging him into an unnecessary conversation and ignoring his boundary, while all I really wanted was some acknowledgment of my sensitivity and a bit more care around how we navigated this topic.
As his frustration grew, so did my trauma response. I no longer felt safe to express myself openly, so I started to overfunction—focusing on calming the situation and empathizing with his perspective instead of setting my own boundaries.
I kept thinking, if I could just explain myself clearly enough, we could align and understand each other. But the more we both tried to assert our views, the more we reinforced our distorted perceptions of one another, fueling the shared “amygdala hijack” that triggered our attachment fears and projections.
Overfunctioning As A Trauma Response
I felt myself walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything that might escalate the situation further, but at the same time, I desperately wanted to express that I didn’t feel understood. This only made things worse.
I could see exactly how he was misinterpreting my intentions, but I was too afraid to tell him plainly that he was wrong. In past relationships, saying so had only led to more defensiveness and dismissal. We were both engaging with our projections of each other, rather than the people we really were in that moment.
As these familiar patterns played out, I started questioning everything—myself, the relationship.
Was it me? Was I repeating the same dynamics, trapped by my own flaws?
Or had I once again chosen a partner who couldn’t meet me where I needed to be met? I had hoped this time was different, that this person could hold space for my feelings and meet me as an equal, but suddenly, I feared I was back in a cycle I’d worked so hard to escape.
I wondered: was I eliciting this response from him with my behavior? Or was I continuing to choose the wrong people—people who simply couldn’t meet my needs?
A wave of despair washed over me as I grappled with how to handle the conflict and what it meant. I felt confused, unsure of whether I should apologize for my actions or wait for an apology from him.
To my dismay, I realized how quickly I had reverted to the patterns I thought I’d left behind. It was disheartening to see myself reliving old dynamics, despite all the deep emotional work I’d done.
Had I truly changed, or had I just been fooling myself?
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Why Overfunctioning Backfires
In the midst of my soul-searching, a trusted friend called, offering the clarity I so desperately needed. I recounted the exchange, and he said something that shifted everything:
“Overfunctioning isn’t inherently bad, it’s just the wrong tool to get what you want.”
Suddenly, the confusion lifted. I realized that the fact I was overfunctioning meant I was already past my own boundary, already feeling unsafe. It was a clear sign that I needed to step back and disengage.
Throughout the exchange, I kept asking if he wanted to continue the conversation another time, when we could talk on the phone or in person. But the truth was, *I* was the one who needed to end the conversation and pick it up when we could communicate more effectively.
Instead of owning my anger at not being heard and setting a boundary, I made myself smaller, validating his point of view to avoid further conflict. This only reinforced his perception without giving me the space to express my perspective—which could have corrected the misunderstanding.
In that moment, I felt empowered. The entire issue could have been avoided had I recognized my need earlier and set a boundary to continue the conversation another time. This wasn’t someone incapable of hearing my feelings or acknowledging my needs; he was simply triggered by a misunderstanding, which spiraled and triggered me in return. We had both become locked in a self-reinforcing loop.
The next day, we talked. He was genuinely open to hearing my perspective, giving me the space to explain. He validated my feelings, acknowledged where things had gone awry, and took responsibility for his part in the dynamic.
Boundaries and Overfunctioning
It became clear that this miscommunication wouldn’t have occurred had we spoken voice to voice instead of through text. Given I had recognized the misinterpretation early on and that text was only making things worse, I should have said I didn’t want to continue discussing it until we could speak.
During the call, I was able to constructively express my anger—a rare occurrence for me, as I often don’t feel safe enough to do so. Having the space to do so and have my perspective validated rather than dismissed was incredibly healing.
From this experience, I learned a valuable lesson: when I’m overfunctioning, it’s a signal I’ve crossed my own limits and need to set a boundary to feel safe and protect myself.
This can serve as an internal alarm system, warning me when I’m on the verge of repeating old patterns.
By setting these boundaries, I can avoid falling into these traps and give myself the space to assess whether the person I’m engaging with is capable of meeting my needs or if it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
As we navigate the complexities of relationships, it’s important to remember that our patterns and triggers can serve as powerful signals. When we find ourselves overfunctioning—trying too hard to fix or manage a situation—it’s often because we’ve already crossed our own boundaries.
It’s a moment where we must pause, listen to what our inner voice is telling us, and reclaim our power through setting boundaries that reflect our needs.
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Patterns of Overfunctioning and Reflection Questions
These moments of tension don’t have to define the relationship or reflect our worth. Instead, they can be opportunities for growth—an invitation to choose a different response and to break old cycles that no longer serve us.
When we learn to recognize these patterns, we give ourselves the chance to step into healthier, more authentic connections that can support our healing rather than recapitulating old traumas.
So ask yourself: the next time you find yourself overfunctioning, can you use that moment as a signal to realign with your own needs? Can you honor your boundaries as a way of protecting your well-being and fostering relationships built on mutual respect?
Trust that your ability to do so is the key to creating the love and connection you truly deserve––not only with others, but with yourself.
If you want help with codependency, boundaries, and relationship issues, you’ve come to the right place. Work with me or one or our warm and wonderful therapists by booking a free matching call:
-Brooke
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more.
As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few.
With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection.
With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually.
Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
