Expressing Anger with Children: Do’s and Don’ts
“It’s not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”
- Ann Landers
Expressing Anger with Children: Do’s and Don’ts
Parenting is one of life’s most rewarding experiences, but it’s also emotionally demanding. It’s no surprise that even the most patient parents lose their temper occasionally.
These moments can feel unsettling, leading to questions like “Did I just damage my relationship with my child?” or “Am I failing as a parent?” But here’s the truth: losing your temper doesn’t define your parenting—it’s how you handle it that matters.
In this article, we’ll explore the difference between emotional outbursts and constructive anger, why modeling healthy anger matters, and how to turn your own mistakes into teachable moments for your children.
The Difference Between Screaming and Raising Your Voice
The distinction between screaming and intentionally raising one’s voice is crucial when discussing parents losing their temper. Screaming is a sign of emotional dysregulation and stems from a loss of control, often fueled by frustration, stress, or exhaustion. In these moments, the yelling can feel chaotic and overwhelming for the child, as it may be perceived as threatening or unpredictable.
This kind of reaction can create anxiety, confusion, and emotional insecurity in children over time, as they may internalize their parent’s distress as their fault or feel unsafe in the interaction. One notable exception would be life-threatening or dangerous situations in which screaming is necessary to convey danger. For example, when a child is about to run in front of a car, screaming is a natural protective response to garner attention and ensure the safety of the child in an extreme situation.
Modeling emotional regulation when a parent is feeling dysregulated might sound like this: “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because this situation is hard for me. I need a moment to calm down and breathe so we can figure this out together.” In doing so, the parent communicates that anger is not something to fear, suppress, or weaponize but rather something to approach with awareness and care. A parent can even ask the child to breathe with them to promote emotional co-regulation.
Why It’s Important to Model Healthy Anger
Raising one’s voice, on the other hand, can be an intentional and necessary tool to convey seriousness or urgency. What matters is that it comes from a place of authority, not out-of-control anger.
Children are deeply attuned to their parents’ emotional states, so the tone and intention behind raising one’s voice determine whether it is constructive or damaging. It is important to model healthy anger because children learn about emotions not only through what parents say but also through what parents do.
Anger, like all emotions, is natural and valid—it signals when boundaries have been crossed, needs are unmet, or situations are unjust. Yet, anger is often stigmatized or suppressed, leading to two unhealthy extremes: explosive outbursts, emotional avoidance, and dysregulation.
By modeling healthy anger, parents teach children that this emotion can be expressed constructively and that it does not have to escalate into harm, chaos, or shame.
What Healthy Anger Looks Like
Healthy anger involves acknowledging the feeling, naming it, and expressing it in a way that honors both the parent’s experience and the child’s emotional safety. With healthy anger, we acknowledge our own feelings and needs without criticism. Learn more about non-violent communication by checking out our article discussing NVC.
The Powerful Lessons Children Learn From Healthy Anger
When parents model healthy anger, they give their children several powerful lessons:
- Emotions are safe and manageable: Children learn that anger doesn’t have to mean loss of control. Seeing a parent process anger calmly reassures children that strong emotions can be felt and expressed without leading to rupture or harm.
- Emotional regulation: By pausing, taking deep breaths, or stepping away briefly when emotional dysregulation arises, parents model techniques for managing big feelings. Children internalize these strategies and are more likely to use them when they feel overwhelmed.
- Boundaries and assertiveness: Healthy anger often involves setting or reinforcing boundaries. For example, a parent might say, “It’s not okay to throw toys. I’m feeling frustrated because that behavior isn’t safe, and I need you to stop.” This teaches children that expressing anger can go hand-in-hand with enforcing limits, but it can still be done with respect and calm authority.
- Repair is part of relationships: If a parent does scream at their child, showing how to repair afterward is just as important as modeling calmness. Saying something like, “I was upset earlier, and I spoke to you in a way that was wrong. That wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll do my best to take a deep breath before I react,” allows children to see that mistakes happen, but they can be repaired through accountability, empathy, and connection.
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Anger Is Not Shameful—It’s Informative
Anger, when approached healthily, is neither destructive nor shameful—it is informative. It provides clues about unmet needs, boundaries, or frustrations, and when modeled well, it teaches children to approach their own anger with curiosity and care.
This is particularly critical because children who grow up seeing anger expressed in unsafe, chaotic, or explosive ways often internalize it as something to fear or suppress. Conversely, children raised in environments where healthy anger is modeled are more likely to express their emotions assertively, regulate their frustrations effectively, and cultivate relationships grounded in respect and understanding.
Ultimately, modeling healthy anger is about helping children see emotions not as threats but as tools for growth, self-awareness, and deeper connection. It’s not about eliminating anger but about guiding children to see that it can be expressed responsibly and used to build trust, not destroy it.
Parents who show their children what healthy anger looks like are giving them a lifelong gift: the ability to engage with their emotions honestly and to navigate conflict with compassion and clarity.
Turning Moments of Losing Your Temper Into Opportunities for Repair
When a parent loses their temper and yells, it’s an opportunity—not to be perfect, but to model repair. Afterward, the most important step is taking responsibility in an age-appropriate way.
The conversation can look like this:
“I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I was feeling really frustrated, but that’s not the best way for me to handle it. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m upset. How did that make you feel?”
This kind of honest acknowledgment teaches children that emotions are natural, mistakes happen, and relationships can be repaired. It also demonstrates that parents can own their actions without shame—modeling self-accountability and emotional resilience.
Parents should remember that these moments, while uncomfortable, do not define the relationship.
What matters most is the repair and consistency of connection afterward. By addressing their outburst openly and calmly, parents offer children a template for healthy emotional regulation: that it’s okay to feel strong emotions, and it’s equally okay to apologize, reflect, and learn from those moments.
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The Gift of Modeling Imperfection and Growth
Lastly, it’s worth acknowledging that guilt, while natural, can be reframed as a sign of care. If you’re feeling guilty about losing your temper, it means you’re aware and striving to do better. Parenting is not about perfection; it’s about modeling growth, emotional awareness, and repair.
Children don’t need perfect parents—they need parents who are real, reflective, and committed to showing up with love and intention, even in the imperfect moments.
Losing your temper as a parent is not a failure—it’s a human moment. It is how we respond afterward that carries the greatest weight. By acknowledging our outbursts, taking responsibility, and modeling repair, we teach our children that emotions, even difficult ones, are manageable. We show them that relationships can withstand mistakes when they are met with accountability, empathy, and love. These are the lessons that build emotional resilience and trust—skills that will serve our children for life.
The truth is, children don’t need perfect parents; they need real ones. Parents who show up authentically, navigate their emotions with self-awareness, and work to repair when things go wrong are offering their children a powerful gift: the ability to face their own emotions with curiosity, compassion, and care.
In these imperfect moments, we create opportunities not just for growth within ourselves but for deeper connection with our children, teaching them that strong relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict but by the courage to repair and grow through it.
By embracing anger as an emotion to be understood rather than feared, parents can transform these challenging moments into opportunities to model emotional strength, boundaries, and, ultimately, love.
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Parenting is a journey filled with both joy and moments of struggle. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by emotions, unsure how to model healthy responses, or needing guidance on repairing connections after challenging moments, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Our expert services provide compassionate, evidence-based support to help you build stronger, healthier relationships with your children.
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In the meantime, stay true, brave, and kind,
– Brooke
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more. As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few. With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection. With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually. Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
