The Biggest Secret No One Ever Told You About Boundaries
"Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach them where the door is."
- Mark Groves
The Biggest Secret No One Ever Told You About Boundaries
Setting boundaries often feels like the hard part—defining your limits, expressing your needs, and communicating them to others. But what happens when those boundaries are crossed? The truth is, setting boundaries is only half the equation. Enforcing them is where the real transformation happens.
Boundaries are powerful tools for protecting our peace and creating healthy relationships, but without follow-through, they lose their meaning.
So, what’s the difference between setting and enforcing boundaries, and how can we ensure we’re doing both in a way that fosters respect and authenticity?
What Does It Mean to Set Boundaries?
Setting boundaries involves identifying and clearly communicating your limits. It’s the process of reflecting on your needs, values, and emotional capacity, then expressing those limits to others in a way that’s both firm and respectful.
For example, setting a boundary might look like saying:
- “I can’t take on extra work this week.”
- “I need time to decompress before we talk about this.”
- “I’d prefer if you didn’t comment on my parenting choices.”
Setting boundaries is about clarity. It’s letting others know what you need to feel safe, respected, and aligned with your values.
Ask yourself: Am I clear about what my boundaries are, and have I communicated them in a way that others can understand?
What Does It Mean to Enforce Boundaries?
Enforcing boundaries is the process of holding others—and ourselves—accountable when those limits are crossed. It’s about following through with actions that uphold the boundary, even when it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient.
If setting boundaries is about communication, enforcing boundaries is about consistency. It involves honoring your word, even when others push back or test your limits.
For example, enforcing a boundary might look like:
- Politely declining when someone asks for more work after you’ve already said no.
- Stepping away from a conversation that becomes disrespectful, even if it feels awkward.
- Leaving a situation when someone violates a clearly stated boundary.
- Calling the police if someone is being violent or refusing to leave your space after being asked.
Ask yourself: Am I willing to act in alignment with my boundaries, even when it’s challenging?
Why Setting Boundaries Without Enforcement Falls Flat
Imagine telling someone, “I don’t want to discuss politics at the dinner table,” only to engage in the conversation when they bring it up anyway. While the boundary was communicated, failing to enforce it sends a mixed message, suggesting the boundary isn’t truly important.
When we set boundaries without enforcing them, we teach others—intentionally or not—that our limits aren’t firm. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and a breakdown of trust, both with others and with ourselves.
Ask yourself: Am I following through on the boundaries I’ve set? If not, what’s holding me back?
The Challenges of Enforcing Boundaries
Enforcing boundaries often feels more difficult than setting them. Why? Because it requires us to tolerate discomfort, risk conflict, and sometimes disappoint others.
Common barriers to enforcing boundaries include:
- Fear of Rejection: Worrying that others will pull away if you uphold your limits.
- Guilt : Feeling selfish or unkind for prioritizing your needs.
- Pushback : Encountering resistance from people who are used to you not having boundaries.
It’s important to remember that enforcing boundaries isn’t about punishing others—it’s about protecting your well-being. While pushback can be challenging, it often lessens over time as people adjust to the new dynamic.
Ask yourself: Am I prioritizing short-term comfort over long-term peace? Could enforcing my boundaries lead to healthier, more sustainable relationships?
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How to Set and Enforce Boundaries Effectively
Setting and enforcing boundaries is a skill that takes practice. Here’s how to approach it:
1. Be Clear and Specific
Ambiguity is the enemy of effective boundaries. Clearly communicate what you need and why, using “I” statements to keep the focus on your feelings and experiences.
For example:
- Instead of saying, “Don’t disrespect me,” try, “When you raise your voice, I feel overwhelmed. I need us to speak calmly to continue this conversation.”
2. Anticipate Pushback
People may test your boundaries, especially if they’re used to you not having them. Prepare for this and stay firm, knowing that pushback doesn’t invalidate your boundary.
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3. Follow Through with Action
Enforcing boundaries requires consistent follow-through. If someone crosses a boundary, calmly but firmly uphold the consequence you’ve communicated.
For example:
- If you’ve said, “I’ll leave the room if this topic comes up again,” make sure to leave if the boundary is violated.
4. Check in with Yourself
Boundaries aren’t static—they may evolve as your needs and relationships change. Regularly reflect on whether your boundaries are still serving you and adjust them as needed.
Ask yourself: Am I communicating my boundaries clearly and consistently following through when they’re crossed?
The Emotional Impact of Enforcing Boundaries
While enforcing boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, it’s an act of self-respect that strengthens your relationships over time. It teaches others how to treat you and ensures that your interactions are grounded in mutual respect and authenticity.
The more you practice enforcing boundaries, the more confident you’ll feel in honoring your needs and protecting your peace.
Ask yourself: How might my life and relationships improve if I consistently enforced my boundaries?
Ready to Master the Art of Boundaries?
At My LA Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals navigate the complexities of setting and enforcing boundaries.
Our experienced therapists provide a supportive space to explore your needs, identify roadblocks, and build the confidence to follow through on your boundaries with clarity and compassion.
Book a free call today to connect with a therapist who can help you reclaim your peace, protect your energy, and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships through the power of boundaries.
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Contact My LA Therapy today to schedule a free consultation and discover how we can help you find peace and connection, even in the most challenging moments.
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Author Bio
Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more.
As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few.
With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection.
With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually.
Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
