You're Not In Control
"You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean, in a drop."
- Rumi
You're Not In Control
Our culture emphasizes a harsh and reductionistic individualism, creating a double-edged sword.
While emphasizing personal responsibility is essential, overemphasizing it has a pernicious down side: it leads us to internalize a sense of individual inadequacy for aspects of our struggles that stem from societal, cultural, and systemic forces.
We start to feel that if we can’t control every aspect of our lives, we’re somehow failing. This mindset traps us in a cycle where we measure our worth by our ability to “get it right” every time.
We’re constantly looking for the next step, the next accomplishment, to prove that we’re doing enough. But in reality, this is the paradox of control.
This obsessive drive for control only leaves us feeling empty, disconnected, and ultimately powerless.
The Power and Pitfall of Personal Responsibility
On one hand, individualism promotes a sense of personal responsibility, which can feel empowering––to an extent.
But on the other hand, this same emphasis often swings the pendulum into hyper-responsibility. This contributes to a false sense of control and fosters shame, as we blame ourselves for the difficulties we encounter in life.
We often see ourselves as at fault for our mental health struggles, leading to a cycle of self-blame that is deeply damaging.
Hyper-Responsibility: A Pathologizing Trap
This kind of thinking pathologizes us and foolishly ignores the myriad of systemic and cultural forces working against us.
We live in a world barricaded from each other by walls, yet humans were meant to live in tribes––shoulder to shoulder, eating, sleeping, and raising children as a community.
We find you the perfect therapist.
We deep dive into your unique needs to find you a therapist who matches your schedule, style, & budget.
The Loss of Connection with Nature
Humans evolved in deep communion with nature: basking in sunlight, sleeping under the stars, and being surrounded by water and trees. These experiences naturally release feel-good chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin––the neurotransmitters responsible for feelings of closeness, pleasure, and well-being.
Instead, most of us live in stark opposition to this natural way of being. Working in fluorescent lighting at a desk for 40+ hours a week, eating takeout, and remaining disconnected from others and nature, leaves us neurologically and spiritually starved of the fundamental elements of humanity: meaning, belonging, and happiness.
Rugged Individualism: A Dangerous Myth
Rugged individualism further decontextualizes the systems contributing to our mental health struggles. It frames loneliness, anxiety, and depression as moral failings instead of natural responses to a system that deprives us of our essential human needs.
As Edward O. Wilson famously paraphrased, “We’ve got Paleolithic instincts navigating Byzantine institutions and godlike technology.”
It’s asymmetrical warfare, yet we continue to blame ourselves for struggles that are largely systemic.
Redefining Empowerment: Finding the Balance
While personal responsibility is essential for mental health and empowerment, it must be understood within its proper context. Taking more than our fair share of responsibility can lead to self-flagellation and prevent us from healing.
The trick, as always, is balance.
This means learning to combat systemic forces creatively while also recognizing our inherent limitations. Healthy personal responsibility is grounded in reality, not perfectionism.
The Paradox of Control
The paradox of control is that the more we try to control everything, the more chaos we experience. Conversely, the more we accept our limitations, the more empowered we become to realistically confront and overcome challenges.
Without realistically assessing the extent of our personal responsibility, we cannot adequately face life’s challenges. Recognizing the magnitude of external forces shaping us is not an excuse to avoid accountability—it’s an invitation to self-compassion
Research-based, personalized therapy.
At My LA Therapy, our warm and experienced therapists specialize in relationships, trauma, & codependency.
The Power of Self-Compassion
When we honor our vulnerability and humanity with compassion, we open the door to novel solutions instead of falling into the trap of solipsistic self-blame.
And that’s true empowerment.
Expert, Compassionate Care in Los Angeles
At My LA Therapy we specialize in self esteem, personal growth and tailored person-centered approach.
Everyone on our team is highly vetted, warm, and experienced, ensuring that you’ll be in excellent hands as you begin your journey toward healing.
We’re committed to helping you every step of the way by matching you with a therapist who fits your personality, schedule, and concerns.
If you need help, you can work with me or one of my wonderful team members by booking a free call here:
In the meantime, stay true, brave, and kind,
– Brooke
Share this post
Author Bio
Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more.
As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few.
With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection.
With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually.
Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
