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Benching in Relationships: The Hidden Psychology of Being a Backup and How to Reclaim Your Self-Worth
“Being kept on standby can slowly convince your nervous system that love is something you must wait for — instead of something you deserve.”
— Brooke Sprowl
Introduction: When You’re Always an Option, Never a Priority
They text you just enough to keep you hopeful.
They show interest — then disappear.
They resurface when they’re lonely, bored, or between options.
You’re not imagining it. You’re not “asking for too much.”
You may be experiencing benching.
Benching is one of the most psychologically destabilizing relationship dynamics of modern dating — especially in cities like Los Angeles and Santa Monica, where dating apps, abundance mentality, and avoidance patterns are deeply normalized.
Unlike ghosting, benching doesn’t end the connection.
Unlike commitment, it doesn’t move forward.
Instead, it suspends you in emotional limbo — kept close enough to stay attached, but distant enough to remain disposable.
This article explores:
- What benching really is (and why it hurts so deeply)
- The psychology behind people who bench others
- The emotional and nervous-system impact of being benched
- Why high-achieving, emotionally available people are especially vulnerable
- And how to reclaim your self-worth and step off the bench for good
What Is Benching in Relationships?
Benching is a dating or relationship behavior where someone keeps you as a backup option — maintaining intermittent contact and emotional access without genuine commitment or forward movement.
Benching often looks like:
- Inconsistent texting (“checking in” without plans)
- Warm attention followed by sudden distance
- Vague promises about the future
- Emotional intimacy without clarity
- Reappearing when they’re lonely or bored
- Avoiding labels, plans, or accountability
According to Healthline’s explanation of benching in dating, benching keeps one person emotionally invested while the other retains freedom and control.
Benching is not confusion.
It’s asymmetrical investment.
Why Benching Hurts More Than Rejection
Rejection hurts — but it’s clean.
Benching hurts because it activates hope while denying security.
Psychologically, benching creates:
- Chronic uncertainty
- Emotional hypervigilance
- Intermittent reinforcement
- Attachment activation without resolution
Your nervous system stays on high alert, constantly scanning for:
- The next text
- The next sign of interest
- The moment things finally “click”
This pattern mirrors variable reward conditioning — the same mechanism behind addiction.
As explained in Verywell Mind’s guide to benching behavior, intermittent attention strengthens emotional attachment more powerfully than consistent connection.
Verywell Mind’s guide to benching behaviorHeal the Attachment Wounds Benching Leaves Behind
Clarity is kinder than hope without action If being someone’s backup has left you questioning your value, therapy can help you heal attachment injuries and rebuild emotional stability.👉 Get matched with a therapist who understands modern dating dynamics.
The Hidden Psychology of the Person Who Benches
People who bench are not always malicious. But their behavior often stems from unresolved psychological dynamics.
Common Underlying Drivers
1. Avoidant Attachment
They crave connection but fear dependence, vulnerability, or responsibility. Benching allows emotional access without obligation.
2. Validation-Seeking
Keeping multiple people emotionally available boosts self-esteem without requiring emotional risk.
3. Abundance Mindset Overload
Dating app culture reinforces the belief that something “better” may always be one swipe away.
4. Emotional Immaturity
They enjoy intimacy but lack the capacity to sustain it responsibly.
5. Power and Control
Some individuals unconsciously regulate their anxiety by keeping others in a state of pursuit.
According to Psychology Today on benching and modern dating, benching often reflects the bencher’s discomfort with commitment — not the worth of the person being benched.
Why Being Benched Attacks Self-Worth
Benching doesn’t just hurt emotionally — it rewires self-perception.
Over time, people who are benched often begin to believe:
- “If I were better, they’d choose me.”
- “I need to be more patient.”
- “I shouldn’t ask for too much.”
- “At least they’re still here.”
This creates a dangerous internal shift:
Self-worth becomes conditional on someone else’s availability.
Instead of asking:
“Is this relationship meeting my needs?”
You start asking:
“How can I become easier to keep around?”
Who Is Most Vulnerable to Benching?
Benching disproportionately affects people who are:
- Emotionally attuned
- Empathetic
- High-functioning
- Patient
- Hope-oriented
- Trauma-adapted to inconsistency
Especially in Los Angeles and Santa Monica, many emotionally intelligent professionals — creatives, healers, therapists, entrepreneurs — unknowingly tolerate benching because they’re skilled at understanding others’ behavior.
Understanding someone is not the same as being treated well.
How Benching Affects the Nervous System
Benching creates a push-pull cycle that dysregulates the nervous system:
- Contact → relief
- Silence → anxiety
- Mixed signals → self-doubt
- Reappearance → dopamine spike
This cycle keeps the body in attachment stress, which over time can lead to:
- Anxiety
- Insomnia
- Rumination
- Loss of appetite or emotional numbing
- Reduced confidence in decision-making
Benching is not “low drama.”
It’s high-impact emotional stress.
Choose Yourself — Even When It’s Hard
Walking away is not failure. It’s self-respect. If you’re ready to stop waiting for clarity and start creating it, support can make the process gentler and more grounded.👉 Schedule your free consultation and begin reclaiming your self-worth today.
Benching vs. Ghosting vs. Breadcrumbing
Understanding the difference matters:
- Ghosting: Abrupt disappearance
- Breadcrumbing: Minimal effort to keep interest alive
- Benching: Sustained emotional access without commitment
Benching is often the hardest to recover from — because it never fully ends.
Why People Stay Benched (Even When It Hurts)
People stay benched not because they’re weak — but because:
- Hope is powerful
- Attachment bonds override logic
- Intermittent reinforcement is addictive
- Self-worth has become externally regulated
- Fear of loss outweighs fear of stagnation
Leaving a benching dynamic often feels like withdrawal — because neurologically, it is.
How to Reclaim Your Self-Worth and Step Off the Bench
1. Name the Pattern Clearly
Ambiguity keeps you stuck. Naming benching restores clarity.
Ask yourself:
- Are actions matching words?
- Is there consistent forward movement?
- Do I feel secure or anxious most of the time?
2. Stop Negotiating for Basic Reciprocity
Interest without consistency is not intimacy.
3. Set Clear, Calm Boundaries
Boundaries are not ultimatums. They are self-definitions.
Example:
“I’m looking for consistent connection. If that’s not where you are, I need to step back.”
4. Detach from Potential
Potential is not a relationship. It’s a projection.
5. Rebuild Internal Validation
Your worth must be stabilized inside, not negotiated externally.
Therapy helps re-anchor self-worth after relational erosion.
What Healthy Interest Actually Looks Like
Healthy interest includes:
- Consistency
- Clear communication
- Follow-through
- Emotional presence
- Respect for time and energy
- Mutual effort
You should not feel confused most of the time.
Long-Term Healing: What Changes When You Stop Accepting Benching
When people step off the bench, they often notice:
- Anxiety decreases
- Self-trust returns
- Attraction patterns shift
- Emotional availability increases
- Better partners appear
- Peace replaces waiting
Self-worth stabilizes when your needs matter to you again.
Final Thoughts
Benching thrives on silence, hope, and self-doubt.
Healing begins with clarity, boundaries, and self-trust.
You are not difficult for wanting consistency.
You are not demanding for wanting effort.
You are not disposable because someone treated you that way.
You were never meant to live on standby.
Stay curious, stay compassionate, and know that your journey is uniquely yours.
And in that uniqueness lies your power.
In the meantime, stay true, brave, and kind,
– Brooke
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more. As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few. With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection. With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually. Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
