5 Traits Narcissists & Borderlines Will Use To Manipulate You
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5 Traits Narcissists and Borderlines Will Use To Manipulate You (and How to Protect Yourself)
Is it possible that the very traits we admire most in ourselves can also be the ones that leave us most vulnerable?
Imagine this: You’ve always prided yourself on being someone who reflects deeply, seeks personal growth, and strives to be empathetic toward others. These qualities have likely shaped many of your closest, most fulfilling relationships.
Yet, in some relationships, you find yourself feeling confused, constantly doubting your own perceptions, and overwhelmed by the emotional demands placed upon you. What’s going on here? How could traits that have served you so well now feel like they’re working against you?
The Narcissist’s and Borderline’s Tactics of Manipulation
The truth is, for someone with narcissistic or borderline tendencies, these admirable qualities—self-reflection, empathy, integrity—become opportunities for manipulation and control.
When Healthy Self-Doubt Becomes a Tool for Control
Take the story of Emma. She had always prided herself on her ability to see multiple perspectives, to question her own biases, and to grow from introspection. In her mind, self-reflection was a superpower that allowed her to evolve and deepen her relationships.
Then she met Mark, a charming and seemingly thoughtful partner. At first, their conversations felt like a meeting of minds, but slowly, something shifted. Mark began to subtly undermine Emma’s perceptions. He would say things like, “You’re overthinking this,” or “You’re being way too sensitive,” to the point that Emma began questioning her own reality.
In Emma’s case, her capacity for healthy self-doubt, which had once been a path to growth, became a doorway for manipulation. Narcissists and people with BPD are masters at weaponizing our greatest strengths, often without even realizing they are doing so.
In other words, this isn’t necessarily a conscious or intentionally nefarious process on their part: often it’s an unconscious recapitulation of their own trauma, which is acted out reflexively—which is part of what makes it so insidious. They often truly believe their own account is correct and therefore can come across as sincere.
Whether or not they are conscious of their own manipulation, narcissists and people with BPD instinctively know that someone who is willing to self-reflect is also someone who can be made to question their own judgment. So how can we protect ourselves when self-reflection turns into self-gaslighting?
How to Protect Yourself:
Ask yourself: Is it possible to hold space for self-reflection without losing trust in your own instincts? How can we balance growth with the unshakeable truth of our inner voice?
Litmus test: If you’re questioning your own reality, that’s a sign you’re dealing with someone who has narcissistic or borderline traits, and this is not a safe or healthy relationship for you.
Integrity and the Illusion of Trust
If we are people of integrity, honesty, and fairness, we often assume that others operate by the same moral code we do. It’s a natural projection—we believe that if we are trustworthy and honest, others will be too. But in the hands of a narcissist or borderline, this projection becomes a blind spot.
Lila had always prided herself on her unwavering honesty. She believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt, assuming the best in others until proven otherwise. When she met her friend Jess, she couldn’t imagine that someone so seemingly kind could ever be lying or manipulating her.
Jess’s actions didn’t always align with her words, but Lila, in her belief in honesty, kept brushing these red flags aside. “She would never do that to me because I know she cares about me,” Lila thought. What makes all of this so challenging and complex to untangle is that Jess sincerely did care about her. People with NPD and BPD often care deeply about their friends and partners, but due to their own trauma, they are unable to interact relationally in ways that are healthy and safe.
This is precisely how narcissists and people with BPD manipulate—they play on our good intentions, our tendency to assume others act in good faith. Consciously or unconsciously, they will lie with conviction (often believing their own lies and half-truths), knowing that our own honesty, integrity, and fairness blind us to their dishonesty and bad faith.
How to Protect Yourself
Ask yourself: In relationships, how do we remain open-hearted without becoming naive? Can we embrace our integrity while also recognizing when someone’s actions reveal their true intentions?
Litmus test: If you find yourself constantly making excuses for someone’s behavior or dismissing clear inconsistencies in their words and actions, it’s a sign that your integrity is being used against you.
Pay attention to whether you’re rationalizing behavior that, if reversed, you wouldn’t tolerate from yourself.
Emotional Dismissal and the Repetition of Old Wounds
For many, the vulnerability to manipulation begins long before a narcissist or borderline enters the picture. Those who have grown up in environments where their emotions were dismissed are often conditioned to overlook emotional manipulation as adults. It’s a tragic irony—what should be a red flag feels strangely familiar, even comforting.
Think of Sam, who grew up constantly managing the emotional outbursts of a parent. His own feelings were often sidelined, his reality shaped by the needs and moods of others. When he began dating someone who constantly shifted the focus to themselves, Sam didn’t recognize the danger. He was used to putting his needs second, used to being told his feelings were “too much.” This emotional dismissal felt like home.
If we’ve been trained to cater to the emotional needs of others, we become primed for manipulation in adulthood. But how do we break the cycle?
How to Protect Yourself:
Ask yourself: Is it possible that the emotional patterns we’ve inherited shape the relationships we fall into? How can we learn to center our own feelings, even when someone else is pulling us away from ourselves?
Litmus test: If someone regularly invalidates your emotions or makes you feel like your feelings are a burden, it’s a sign that you’re caught in a cycle of emotional dismissal.
Recognize this as a red flag for manipulation.
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The People-Pleaser’s Dilemma
Imagine being someone who thrives on making others happy. Your friends turn to you for comfort, your family relies on you to smooth over conflicts, and your partner knows you’ll go out of your way to keep them content. At your core, you are someone who wants to help. But what happens when this need to please becomes your greatest vulnerability?
For Maria, this dilemma played out in her relationship with Alex. Alex’s approval became the sun around which Maria’s world orbited. She found herself going to greater and greater lengths to keep Alex happy, even as her own needs disappeared in the process. People with NPD and BPD feed off the energy of people-pleasers. They thrive on the validation and attention that comes from someone who will bend over backward to keep the peace.
How to Protect Yourself:
Ask yourself: In your quest to care for others, is there a part of yourself you’ve been neglecting? How can we strike a balance between helping others and holding firm to our own needs?
Litmus test: If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or constantly over-explaining yourself to avoid conflict, this is a sign that your need to please is being exploited. Ask yourself if you are sacrificing your own needs and well-being just to maintain the peace in the relationship.
If so, this is not a healthy or safe dynamic to continue.
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Empathy: When Compassion Becomes Complicity
Finally, there’s empathy—the trait we most often associate with kindness, care, and connection. Yet, in the hands of a narcissist or borderline, empathy can become a trap. They know how to exploit your compassion, playing the victim and pulling you into their web of manipulation.
Tom’s partner, Rachel, had a difficult past. Her childhood had been full of hardship, and she carried these wounds into her adult life. Tom, empathetic to a fault, felt it was his responsibility to help her heal. Every time Rachel acted out or manipulated him, Tom excused her behavior with, “She’s been through so much. She just needs love.” But what Tom didn’t see was that his empathy was being used against him.
How to Protect Yourself:
Ask yourself: Can empathy exist without enabling? How can we offer compassion without sacrificing our own emotional well-being?
Litmus test: If your empathy consistently leads you to excuse toxic behavior or stay in a relationship longer than you know is healthy, it’s a sign that your compassion is being weaponized.
Check in with yourself—are you prioritizing their healing over your own emotional health? If so, it’s time to set boundaries.
Trusting Yourself Again
Ultimately, narcissists and those with borderline traits prey on the best parts of us—our empathy, integrity, and desire to grow. But these traits don’t have to be vulnerabilities. When we learn to trust ourselves, set firm boundaries, and recognize manipulation for what it is, we can protect our hearts without closing them off.
So, ask yourself: In relationships, are you trusting your own instincts as much as you trust your capacity for empathy? Can you maintain your integrity without allowing others to undermine it?
In the end, self-trust is the greatest protection we have against manipulation. We must nurture it as fiercely as we do our relationships with others.
Ready to Master the Art of Boundaries?
As someone who has learned these lessons the very hard way, my mission is to help others become free of these painful dynamics and reclaim a sense of self-worth and empowerment. With 15 years of personal and professional experience navigating relational challenges, I specialize in codependency, communication, and relationships as well as how to free oneself from the addiction of these types of intoxicating yet perilous relationships with narcissists and borderlines.
If you’re interested in working with me, please apply here: My LA Therapy – Brooke Sprowl
In the meantime, stay true, brave, and kind,
– Brooke
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Author Bio
Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more.
As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few.
With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection.
With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually.
Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
