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What Makes Secure Attachment So Rare? 5 Childhood Patterns That Shape Adult Relationships
"Attachments that are not fostered may lend to the child's inability to properly attach or have no attachment at all."
— Asa Don Brown
What Makes Secure Attachment So Rare? 5 Childhood Patterns That Shape Adult Relationships
Our adult relationships are built on the foundation of our earliest bonds. Unfortunately, many of us grew up with caregivers who were absent, inconsistent, or overwhelmed. As a result, secure attachment – feeling safe, seen, and valued – has become uncommon. Research shows only about 60% of people develop a secure attachment style, meaning roughly 40% of adults carry anxious or avoidant patterns into relationships.
Insecure attachments often stem from unmet childhood needs. For example, childhood emotional neglect can make it hard to trust others and get close. Likewise, John Bowlby’s attachment theory teaches that lacking comfort and security early on harms a child’s sense of trust and self-worth.
When we grow up without that secure base, our adult relationships often struggle. The good news is that by recognizing these patterns, we can begin to break the cycle and move toward healthier, more secure connections. Let’s explore five common childhood patterns that can disrupt secure attachment – and what to do about them.
1. Childhood Emotional Neglect
What it is:
Emotional neglect happens when a caregiver repeatedly fails to notice, validate, or respond to a child’s feelings. In these homes, a child’s emotional needs are often ignored or dismissed.For example, a parent who shrugs off your tears or tells you not to worry about your feelings is neglecting your emotional experience.
How it works:
Growing up with emotional neglect teaches a child that their needs are unimportant. They may learn to shut down or hide their feelings to cope. As adults, people with this history often struggle to trust others or open up emotionally.They might become highly self-reliant and uncomfortable showing vulnerability. Psychologists note that neglected children often develop an avoidant attachment style – they assume others won’t respond to their feelings, so they stop asking.Over time, this can leave a person feeling lonely or disconnected, even in a relationship.
Why it’s important:
Addressing emotional neglect matters because it lies at the root of many relationship issues. By recognizing how neglect taught us to shut down, we can work on noticing and expressing our emotions safely. Healing this pattern helps us form deeper bonds where we feel seen and heard. A therapist can guide us in learning how to ask for support and rebuild trust.
Ask yourself:
Do I often feel uncomfortable asking for emotional support or sharing my true feelings with others?
2. Chaotic or Inconsistent Parenting
What it is:
Inconsistent parenting means care and attention are unpredictable. One day a caregiver may be loving and attentive; the next, they might be absent, erratic, or emotionally unavailable. Children might experience fear or confusion when a parent’s moods, rules, or presence keep changing with no warning.
How it works:
Children in chaotic or unstable environments never know what to expect. This unpredictability teaches them that relationships are unsafe and unreliable. They may become hyper-vigilant or develop anxiety, constantly bracing for the next change. In attachment terms, unpredictable caregiving often leads to an anxious attachment style. These children grow up questioning whether they are “good enough” or whether love will last. In more extreme cases, chaotic homes (for example, a parent struggling with addiction or untreated mental illness) can even create disorganized attachment, where the child feels frightened of their caregiver.
Essentially, inconsistent love and care set up a child to expect instability in all relationships.
Why it’s important:
Stability and trust are essential for secure attachment. When we were raised in chaotic homes, we learned mistrust and anxiety instead. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to interrupting it. By becoming aware of how we learned to expect the unexpected, we can work on creating consistent, reliable connections today. Therapists can help by providing a safe, predictable therapeutic relationship – modeling the kind of steady support we may have missed as kids.
Ask yourself:
Do I find myself constantly worried about whether people will let me down, or do I swing between clinging to partners and pushing them away?
Ready to Build Secure Attachment and Heal Old Patterns?
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3. Childhood Trauma and Abuse
What it is:
Childhood trauma refers to any overwhelming experiences in early life, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, or severe neglect. These events threaten a child’s sense of safety and can shatter their trust in caregivers.
How it works:
Trauma in childhood is deeply confusing. On one hand, a child depends on their parent for safety; on the other hand, that very parent may be a source of fear. This paradox often leads to a disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style. Children learn a fight-flight-freeze response: they crave comfort and also fear it at the same time. As adults, survivors of childhood abuse often carry a deep, implicit belief that the world is dangerous and that people (including loved ones) might hurt them. Researchers note disorganized attachment is frequently a direct consequence of early abuse or trauma.
The result can be intense anxiety around intimacy or a tendency to unknowingly recreate chaotic situations, because it’s what the nervous system expects.
Why it’s important:
Unhealed trauma can make secure attachment feel impossible. Awareness of trauma’s impact is the first step toward healing. Therapy can provide tools to process those painful experiences and build new, healthy beliefs about relationships. For instance, trauma-informed therapy teaches the nervous system that it’s safe now – a vital lesson for forming secure adult connections.
Ask yourself:
Do I struggle to feel safe with my partner, or do I sometimes expect betrayal or danger even when there’s no obvious threat?
4. Overprotective or Anxious Parenting
What it is:
Overprotective parenting occurs when caregivers are excessively anxious about the world. They may shelter children from challenges or make decisions for them out of fear (for example, not letting a child play outside, choose friends, or make mistakes). These parents often send the message that the world is scary and a child is vulnerable.
How it works:
Children of overprotective parents get mixed messages: “You’re safe only with me.” They may never learn to trust their own abilities to handle life. This can contribute to anxious attachment, where a child grows up feeling insecure about venturing out alone or forming new relationships. Alternatively, some kids rebel against excessive control and develop an avoidant style, thinking “I better rely only on myself.” In both cases, the underlying belief becomes, “I can’t handle life without someone telling me what to do,” or “I’m not capable on my own.” Over time, this can lead to low self-confidence and anxiety or anger in adulthood.
Why it’s important:
Healthy relationships require a balance of independence and support. When we never got a chance to develop autonomy as kids, we might feel stifled in partnerships or, conversely, constantly clingy for reassurance. Recognizing this pattern allows us to practice trusting ourselves and others more. In therapy, we learn to let go of past fears by building skills and memories of handling challenges – creating a stronger sense of self-worth and freedom.
Ask yourself:
Do I often feel frightened of making mistakes or being alone in my relationships, as if I can’t survive on my own?
Don’t Let the Past Define Your Relationships
Take charge of your healing journey today. Book your free consultation and start creating the secure connections you’ve always wanted.
5. Chronic Criticism and Low Self-Worth
What it is:
In this pattern, a caregiver frequently criticizes the child, focuses on flaws, or only accepts the child when they perform well. Praise and affection feel conditional (“I’ll love you if you get straight A’s” or “Don’t talk so much or you’ll look silly.”). Over time, the child learns they are never quite good enough.
How it works:
Constant criticism teaches a child to doubt their own worth. They may grow up asking, “Am I lovable as I am?” This often produces anxious attachment in relationships: adults feel they must earn love through perfection or be constantly reassured. As noted by attachment experts, a child raised this way “continues to question whether they are good enough, lovable, or worthy,” often developing low self-esteem and needing constant reassurance from partners.
Insecure attachment (especially anxious) goes hand-in-hand with chronic self-doubt. An adult with this history might attract partners who mirror that negativity, perpetuating the cycle.
Why it’s important:
Our sense of self-worth directly affects how securely we attach. When we don’t feel worthy of love, we may either cling anxiously or push people away out of fear we’ll be hurt. Identifying this pattern means we can start challenging those old beliefs (“Maybe I am lovable even without constant achievement”). Therapy provides a validating space to rebuild self-esteem. Over time, learning to see ourselves as worthy of care makes it easier to give and receive love openly.
Ask yourself:
Do I often find myself needing constant praise or reassurance in relationships, as if I don’t feel I deserve love without proving myself?
Breaking the Cycle of Insecure Attachment
Understanding these childhood patterns can be empowering. While our past shapes us, it doesn’t have to define our future. By shining a light on emotional neglect, inconsistent care, trauma, anxiety, or criticism from our youth, we gain the awareness needed to heal. Attachment theory reminds us that secure bonds are learned – and relearned – through safe, caring relationships. As Bowlby explained, early attachment experiences affect our trust in others and our self-worth.The good news is that with support, people can develop more secure styles even in adulthood. Recognizing and talking about these patterns with a skilled therapist is the first step.
Ask yourself:
Which of these childhood patterns resonate with you, and how might understanding them change the way you approach your relationships?
Start Your Healing Journey
At My LA Therapy, our compassionate therapists specialize in attachment theory, childhood trauma, and relationship struggles. We understand how these early patterns can leave lasting impacts, and we believe you can heal and grow beyond them. We provide a safe, supportive space to explore your history, process old wounds, and build a stronger sense of self-worth. If any of these patterns sound familiar, know that change is possible.
Take the first step toward healthier, more secure connections – book a session with a My LA Therapy clinician today. Our team is here to help you find the understanding and tools you need to rewrite your attachment story and create the loving relationships you deserve.
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more. As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few. With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection. With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually. Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
