Why Validation Is More Powerful Than Advice: The Neuroscience of Feeling Understood
"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable."
— David Augsburger
The Healing Power of Being Understood
How often do we rush to offer solutions, advice, or fixes when someone shares their pain? While well-intentioned, this impulse can leave others feeling unseen, dismissed, or alone. In reality, what most of us crave isn’t advice—it’s validation.
Validation is the act of recognizing and affirming another person’s feelings, experiences, or perspectives without judgment or correction. Neuroscience now confirms what therapists have known for decades: feeling understood calms the nervous system, builds trust, and strengthens emotional bonds.
In this blog, we’ll explore why validation is more powerful than advice, how it impacts the brain, and how you can use validation to create deeper, more healing connections in your relationships.
What Is Validation?
Validation is not agreement—it’s acknowledgment. It means telling someone, “I see you, I hear you, and what you feel makes sense.” It does not require fixing, solving, or even agreeing with their interpretation of events.
In contrast, advice-giving—though often meant to help—can unintentionally shift focus away from the person’s emotional experience and toward problem-solving. This can leave people feeling like their emotions were inconvenient or unimportant.
Why Advice Often Misses the Mark
What it is:
When we offer advice, we may inadvertently bypass the emotional experience and rush into solutions. The underlying (and unconscious) message can sound like: “Stop feeling this way and fix it.”
How it works:
The brain perceives unsolicited advice as a form of correction, which can trigger defensiveness or shame. Instead of feeling supported, the person may feel pressured or judged.
Neuroscientists have found that emotional invalidation activates similar regions in the brain as physical pain—particularly the anterior cingulate cortex, responsible for processing social rejection. Invalidation, even subtle, can leave emotional wounds.
Why it’s important:
Understanding this neurological response shows why advice—without first offering validation—can backfire. For someone in distress, what they need most is not answers but empathy.
Ask yourself:
Do I tend to offer solutions when someone shares their feelings, or can I sit with their discomfort without trying to fix it?
Ready to Cultivate Deeper Emotional Connections?
Book a Free Consultation Today with one of our expert therapists to learn how validation, emotional regulation, and attachment work can transform your relationships.
The Neuroscience of Validation
What it is:
Validation activates brain regions associated with safety, trust, and connection. Studies show that when we feel validated, the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (linked to emotional regulation) lights up, calming the amygdala’s fear response.
How it works:
In moments of distress, the nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight. Validation signals to the brain that we are safe, accepted, and not alone. This reduces cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), facilitating emotional regulation. In essence, validation helps a dysregulated nervous system return to balance.Why it’s important:
Validation isn’t just “nice”—it’s biologically healing. When we validate someone’s emotions, we’re offering co-regulation, a cornerstone of healthy attachment and emotional resilience.
Ask yourself:
How might my relationships shift if I focused more on validating than fixing?
3 Ways Validation Deepens Relationships
1. Validation Builds Emotional Safety
What it is: Emotional safety is the sense that we can express ourselves without fear of rejection, ridicule, or dismissal.
How it works: Validation communicates, “Your feelings are safe with me.” This encourages vulnerability and honesty, laying the groundwork for deeper connection.
Why it’s important: Emotional safety is essential for intimacy in romantic relationships, friendships, and parent-child dynamics.
Ask yourself: Do my loved ones feel safe expressing their emotions to me?
2. Validation Prevents Escalation of Conflict
What it is: Many arguments escalate because people feel unheard, not because they disagree.
How it works: When we validate a person’s feelings during conflict, it reduces defensiveness and increases openness to resolution.
Neuroscience shows that feeling validated lowers limbic system reactivity (the emotional brain), allowing the prefrontal cortex (the rational brain) to engage.
Why it’s important: Validation helps shift conversations from blame to understanding, preventing emotional spirals.
Ask yourself: How often do I pause to reflect someone’s feelings back before explaining my perspective?
Ready to Experience the Healing Power of Being Understood?
Book a Free Consultation Today and learn how cultivating validation can transform your relationships—and your relationship with yourself.
3. Validation Supports Emotional Regulation in Children and Adults
What it is: Emotional regulation is the ability to manage emotional responses effectively.
How it works: Children (and adults) learn to regulate emotions through co-regulation—having someone stay calm, present, and accepting during distress.
When a parent validates a child’s sadness (“It makes sense you’re upset; this is hard”), it teaches the child their feelings are acceptable and manageable. The same is true for adult relationships.
Why it’s important: Consistent validation fosters emotional resilience, reducing long-term anxiety, shame, and suppression.
Ask yourself: How did the people who raised me respond to my emotions? How does that affect how I respond to others?
How to Practice Validation in Everyday Life
Validation doesn’t require complex skills—it requires presence, listening, and empathy. Here’s how to begin:
- Listen without interrupting.
- Reflect what you hear: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated.”
- Acknowledge the emotion: “That must feel really disappointing.”
- Avoid minimizing or correcting: Replace “At least…” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” with “That makes sense.”
- Resist jumping to solutions. Sometimes the best help is simply being present.
The Balance Between Validation and Boundaries
It’s important to note: Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with harmful behavior or staying silent about problems. You can validate someone’s feelings and hold healthy boundaries.
Example: “I understand you’re angry. I care about you, and I also need to step away from this conversation until we’re both calmer.”
Validation and boundaries work together to create trust, safety, and mutual respect.
Validation Is a Path to Healing
When we validate others, we offer more than words—we offer a nervous system cue of safety, a deep acknowledgment of humanity, and a bridge to connection.
If you’ve struggled to feel heard, understood, or emotionally safe in relationships, know that it’s never too late to learn validation—for yourself and others.
At My LA Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals, couples, and families rebuild trust and connection through evidence-based, compassionate approaches.
Book a Free Consultation Today with one of our expert therapists to learn how validation, emotional regulation, and attachment work can transform your relationships.
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more. As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few. With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection. With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually. Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
