Are You Living Someone Else's Life Script? 4 Signs of Identity Accommodation
"You don't have to be who others expect you to be—you can be who you truly are."
The Hidden Trap of Identity Accommodation
In our quest to be loved, accepted, or simply to survive, many of us unknowingly begin living according to someone else’s expectations. This subtle, often unconscious process is known as identity accommodation—shaping your beliefs, behavior, or life direction to match someone else’s script.
Maybe it was the parent who wanted you to be the “successful” one. Or the partner who expected you to be quiet, agreeable, and easy. Or society’s unspoken message about what success, beauty, or worth should look like.
In this blog, we’ll explore how identity accommodation takes root, how to recognize if you’re living someone else’s story, and—most importantly—how to begin rewriting your own.
1. Understanding Identity Accommodation: What Is It Really?
Identity accommodation happens when we adjust or suppress parts of ourselves in response to external demands. It usually starts early in life—as children, we learn to prioritize others’ comfort over our authenticity to stay safe or accepted.
Over time, this can lead to living a version of life that doesn’t feel like your own. Instead of expressing your truth, you perform roles: the pleaser, the achiever, the fixer.
Why It Matters:
- You may feel disconnected from your true self
- Decisions may feel hollow, even if they appear “successful”
- Chronic anxiety, resentment, or burnout may surface
Ask Yourself: Whose voice is guiding my choices—mine or someone else’s?
2. The Root Causes of Living Someone Else's Script
Understanding why we accommodate others’ identities can empower us to begin healing. Often, these patterns develop as unconscious survival strategies.
Common Roots of Identity Accommodation:
- Childhood Conditioning: You were praised when you followed the rules, but shamed when you expressed yourself.
- Trauma Response: Suppressing your truth kept you safe in a chaotic or abusive environment.
- Cultural & Gender Norms: Societal expectations discouraged individuality in favor of conformity.
- Fear of Abandonment: You learned to mirror others to avoid rejection.
These responses may have once served a purpose, but they no longer need to define you.
3. 4 Signs You're Living Someone Else's Life Script
Identity accommodation is often invisible until we pause to reflect. These four signs may indicate it’s time to reconnect with your authentic self:
A. You Feel Disconnected or Emotionally Numb
When you’re living from a script, your life may look “fine” on the outside, but inside you feel detached.
Try This: Ask yourself, What would I do differently if no one else were watching? Begin journaling moments when you feel alive vs. when you feel empty.
B. You Struggle to Make Decisions Without Others’ Input
Do you constantly second-guess yourself, seeking validation before making choices? This may signal a lack of internal compass.
Try This: Start with small decisions. Choose a movie, meal, or outfit based only on your preferences—then notice how it feels.
C. You Shape-Shift in Different Social Settings
You present different versions of yourself depending on who you’re with, not out of versatility, but fear of being judged.
Try This: Reflect on where you feel safest being yourself. What qualities do those relationships have? Seek to cultivate more of that space.
D. Your Life Priorities Don’t Match Your Inner Desires
You’ve followed a path—career, family, lifestyle—that seemed “right,” but it doesn’t fulfill you.
Try This: Visualize your ideal day from start to finish. What are you doing, feeling, and creating? How does it differ from your current reality?
Reclaim Your Voice: Begin Living Authentically
Discover therapeutic support to explore your true identity and reconnect with your authentic path.
4. The Healing Path: How to Reconnect With Who You Really Are
Living someone else’s life story is not irreversible. With intention, compassion, and support, you can return to your authentic self.
A. Explore Your Core Values
Reclaiming identity starts with rediscovering what truly matters to you.
Try This: Write down your top 5 core values (freedom, creativity, honesty, etc.). Reflect on how aligned your current life is with these values.
B. Set Emotional Boundaries
To stop accommodating others, you must learn to protect your emotional space.
Try This: Practice saying, “I need to think about that before I commit,” instead of automatically saying yes.
C. Grieve the “False Self”
Letting go of an old identity can bring sadness, anger, or fear. That’s normal—you’re shedding what no longer serves you.
Try This: Write a letter to the version of you that lived for others. Thank them for helping you survive. Then, lovingly say goodbye.
D. Embrace Inner Child Work
Many identity patterns are rooted in childhood. Tending to your inner child helps heal those origin wounds.
Try This: Picture your younger self and ask, “What did you need to hear that you never did?” Say those words out loud with compassion.
E. Seek Reflective Therapy
Therapy provides a safe, supportive space to explore your identity and rewrite your life script.
Try This: Work with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in identity, boundaries, and self-discovery.a
Reclaim Your Identity, Reclaim Your Life
You are worthy of a story that feels like home. One that honors your truth, your needs, and your dreams.
Ready to Start Living Authentically?
At My LA Therapy, we specialize in evidence-based approaches to identity healing, trauma recovery, and self-reclamation. Our compassionate therapists help you explore who you truly are—and who you’re meant to become.
Book a Free Consultation today and begin the journey back to yourself.
Stay grounded, stay curious, and most of all—stay true to you.
Because your story matters.
- Brooke
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more. As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few. With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection. With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually. Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
