5 Biggest Problems With Dating Today & How To Solve Them
“What we most long for is also what we most fear.”
- Brooke Sprowl
Why Modern Dating is so damn hard?
Top 5 Dating Issues From the Perspective of a Therapist
Navigating the world of modern dating can feel like an emotional obstacle course. We all crave that deep connection, the spark that sets our soul on fire, and a love that feels like coming home.
But the reality is, dating is often messy, confusing, and filled with moments of self-doubt and a whole lot of pain.
The good news is, developing some self-awareness and doing a little course-correction can make all the difference.
Let’s break down the top five issues people face in the dating game and the best ways to avoid them to bring you closer to finding that meaningful connection you deserve.
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What are the Problems with Dating today?
Dating Issue #1: The Myth of “The One” and Overreliance for Fulfillment
We’re bombarded with the idea that somewhere out there, there’s that one person destined to make our lives complete. This can create the dangerous tendency to seek a partner to fill the gaps we should be addressing first.
It’s an understandable trap because being deeply loved is a beautiful thing! But when we expect another person to give us a sense of purpose, manage our anxieties, or compensate for missing parts of our personal lives, we create an unsustainable pressure that can sabotage our ability to forge healthy partnerships.
This often leads us and others to approach our relationships in a transactional manner: seeing people as objects to fulfill our every need and evaluating people with a checklist to rate how they measure up. When we approach relationships this way, we dehumanize others and ourselves and deprive ourselves of getting to know people because we’ve often written them off as a result of some snap judgment.
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Quite often, we don’t even realize that we’re projecting all of our missing parts onto a relationship. We just genuinely believe that not having a partner is the source of our distress, dissatisfaction, and heartache.
This overreliance on others also often gets translated as unrealistic expectations on people. At worst, some people even walk away at the first sight of conflict, presuming if the person were right for them, there wouldn’t be anything to fight about. This is a dangerous and infantile notion of relationships that can keep us in cycles of short-lived, intense connections that fizzle fast and leave us hurt and lonely.
*Solution:* Actively build a life that feels fulfilling even outside of a romantic relationship. All those things you used to love as a kid, do them. All those things you’ve been wanting to learn to do or learn about, pursue all of it. This inner wholeness makes you a more attractive partner and sets the foundation for a healthy, balanced love. You’ll need your own individual interests and sense of fulfillment as a foundation if you’re going to have a healthy, lasting relationship in the long-run. And even more importantly, it also allows you to experience a passionate, beautiful, and soulful relationship with your own life now.
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Dating Issue #2: Modern Isolation & The Unseen Pressure on Relationships
It’s ironic – with more ways to connect than ever, many of us feel deeply alone. We work from home, order dinner with a few taps, and scroll for hours, forgetting what it’s like to be part of a real community. Then we meet someone and, understandably, the desire for connection goes into overdrive. However, placing the huge expectation of social fulfillment on a potential partner you’ve just met is overwhelming.
Suddenly, you feel like if the relationship doesn’t work, you’ll be back to square one – friendless and bored. This anxiety can leak into your interactions, and a partner who you might have had a wonderful, slow-burn connection with feels pressured. Building a rich social life with friends, hobby groups, or volunteer work takes the heat off a potential romance and, in fact, makes you far more magnetic in the dating world.
In prehistoric times, humans lived in close-knit tribes, relying on each other for survival, protection, and social interaction. Each member of the tribe played a specific role, contributing to the overall well-being of the group. This sense of shared purpose and interdependence fostered a strong sense of community and belonging.
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In modern society, however, we live in a more individualistic culture, where people are often isolated and disconnected from their neighbors and community members. This lack of social connection can have a negative impact on our physical and mental health, as humans are social creatures who need to feel connected to others.
One consequence of this shift is that we now expect our romantic partners to fulfill a much broader range of needs than they did in the past. In the absence of a strong community, we look to our partners to provide us with companionship, emotional support, intellectual stimulation, and financial stability. These unrealistic expectations place undue pressure on relationships and people which ultimately sabotage the ability to form healthy connections.
*Solution:* To create a healthier and more sustainable approach to relationships, we need to recognize that no one person can fulfill all of our needs. We need to develop a richer and more diverse social life, with a variety of friends, hobbies, and interests. This will help us to feel more connected to others and less reliant on our romantic partners to meet all of our needs.
By creating a stronger sense of community, we can reduce our reliance on romantic relationships to meet all of our needs. Volunteer, take up a sport, learn pottery, or take a class on screenwriting. Robust social connections and interests take the pressure off a potential partner from being your everything. And it’s just darn right enjoyable and fun and meaningful, duh.
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Dating Issue #3: Overemphasis On Physical Attraction, Under Emphasis on Character
In the journey of love, we all seek a connection that goes beyond the surface. Yet, it’s a common challenge in dating to get caught up in physical appearances, prioritizing looks over character. We become entranced by external beauty, neglecting the depth and richness of a person’s inner self.
When we allow physical attraction to overshadow character, we miss out on the opportunity to forge deep and meaningful relationships. We may find ourselves in shallow connections that lack substance, built on a foundation that can easily crumble as time passes.
True beauty radiates from within, emanating from the goodness of one’s heart, the depth of their thoughts, and the kindness of their actions. It’s the character of a person that truly defines who they are, and it’s what sustains a fulfilling and enduring relationship.
When we prioritize character over physical appearance, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. We become more likely to appreciate and value the qualities that truly matter, such as kindness, compassion, humor, and shared interests. Relationships built on shared values and genuine compatibility have a much higher chance of standing the test of time and weathering the inevitable challenges life throws our way.
*Solution:* Shift your focus away from superficial attributes and begin to become attuned to people’s energy to see who they really are. Rather than fixating on the surface-level ways people’s bodies look, pay attention to how they inhabit their bodies so you can actually tune in to who they are at a deeper level. When we shift our focus to what really matters, our attraction hierarchy is inverted, and suddenly the whole game changes.
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Dating Issue #4: Lack of Healthy Boundaries and Self-Regulation
It’s normal to feel a rush of excitement when we meet someone new. We crave their attention, imagine our future together, and want to spend all our time with them. But if we haven’t learned how to soothe our anxieties and meet a healthy portion of our own emotional needs, this can lead to a dependence on our partner, which becomes smothering over time.
However, if we have not developed the necessary skills to soothe our anxieties and meet a significant portion of our own emotional needs, this intense desire for connection can lead to a dangerous dependence on our partner. Over time, this dependence can become smothering and suffocating, ultimately damaging the relationship.
To cultivate healthy relationships, it’s essential to establish clear boundaries and practice self-regulation, allowing ourselves to get to know people over time, rather than jumping into relationships before we’ve had a chance to observe someone’s character over a period of time that allows us to know and trust them.
Boundaries are invisible lines that define what is and is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. They help protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. By setting and enforcing boundaries, we communicate our needs and expectations to others and prevent them from overstepping our limits.
Self-regulation refers to our ability to manage our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in a healthy and adaptive manner. It involves being aware of our emotional state, understanding the root causes of our feelings, and responding to them in a constructive way. When we practice self-regulation, we can soothe our anxieties, calm our racing thoughts, and find inner peace without relying solely on our partner for emotional support.
Establishing healthy boundaries and practicing self-regulation are essential for creating balanced and fulfilling relationships. By investing in our own emotional well-being, we become more resilient, self-reliant, and capable of forming healthy connections with others.
*Solution:* Develop self-soothing techniques like mindfulness, journaling, or therapy. Learn to identify your emotional triggers and manage them independently. This builds inner strength and resourcing, which contributes to you becoming a more secure partner. Hint: therapy is a really good place to start for this.
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Dating Issue #5: Being Too Picky or Not Picky Enough
Online dating makes it a swipe-fest. It’s easy to have a rigid laundry list of requirements
and dismiss people for superficial reasons, or go the opposite direction, dating anyone who shows interest out and casting too wide a net out of fear of being alone.
Finding the balance between being too picky and too open in online dating is a significant challenge. On the one hand, having a rigid laundry list of requirements can lead to superficial dismissals and missed opportunities. It’s essential to recognize that everyone has flaws and that a perfect partner may not exist.
On the other hand, going in the opposite direction and dating anyone who shows interest out of fear of being alone is also not a healthy approach. It can result in settling for relationships that are not fulfilling or compatible and cause you to waste time and energy on people who aren’t right for you, which is ultimately disheartening and discouraging.
The key is to find a middle ground that allows for reasonable standards while remaining open to possibilities outside of a narrow set of preferences. This approach involves considering personal values, long-term goals, and compatibility factors while also recognizing that compromise and flexibility are necessary for a successful relationship.
It’s important to remember that online dating is just one aspect of the dating process, and it should not be the sole determinant of a person’s worth or compatibility. Taking the time to get to know someone beyond their profile and appearance is crucial in making informed decisions about potential partners. Approaching online dating with a balanced and realistic mindset can lead to more meaningful connections and a healthier overall dating experience.
*Solution:* Clearly define your non-negotiables: values, life goals, and how a partner makes you feel. Stay open-minded about the other details, as attraction and connection can grow over time! Don’t settle, but don’t write people off based on one small thing.
Conclusion:
Finding what you want in love means first developing the facets of yourself that you’re outsourcing to a partner (hint: trying to outsource to someone else *never* works). As a dating therapist for over 15 years, my team and I love helping people navigate the complexities of the modern dating world to uncover greater self-awareness, empowerment, and confidence.
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Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more.
As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few.
With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection.
With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually.
Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
