The Unwinnable Calculus: Navigating the Maze of Double Binds
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor Frankl
The Unwinnable Calculus: Navigating the Maze of Double Binds
In the labyrinth of human relationships, few dynamics are as confounding as the double bind. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how this form of manipulation leaves people trapped in impossible choices, doubting their perceptions and eroding their sense of self.
When caught in a double bind, every path appears to lead to a dead end, and you’re left wondering: Is there any way to win?
A double bind occurs when a person faces contradictory demands or expectations, where meeting one means violating another. Imagine a game where every move is wrong, and refusing to play is equally unacceptable. This scenario creates a constant state of confusion and powerlessness for the person on the receiving end.
The Anatomy of a Double Bind
Double binds frequently surface in relationships marked by control and manipulation, particularly in cases where a partner exhibits traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). These personality disorders are often associated with distorted communication patterns, and the double bind is one of the most common and destructive tools in their arsenal.
Individuals with BPD and NPD may set up paradoxical expectations that leave their partner in a no-win situation. For example, a partner with BPD might desire emotional closeness but push their partner away at the slightest sign of disagreement, creating a pattern of “come close but stay away.” A person with NPD might demand constant admiration and respect, yet respond with contempt or dismissal when their partner tries to offer it.
The result? The victim of the double bind feels paralyzed, unsure of how to respond without triggering an adverse reaction.
**Ask yourself: ** Are there situations where no matter what you say or do, it seems like you’re in the wrong?
Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward breaking free from its grip.
The Impact of Double Binds on the Receiver
Being on the receiving end of a double bind is deeply destabilizing, creating a pervasive sense of helplessness and confusion. When this manipulation occurs in relationships where one partner has traits of BPD or NPD, the effects are even more intense. These personality disorders often bring hypersensitivity to perceived slights or challenges to control, resulting in escalated emotions that keep the recipient of the double bind on edge.
In the case of NPD, for example, a partner might create situations where any response to their needs is “wrong” because it doesn’t sufficiently fulfill their expectations for admiration. A person with BPD might pull their partner close emotionally, only to accuse them of being “too much” when they attempt to meet that need.
The constant tension leads to second-guessing, walking on eggshells, and a paralyzing inability to assert one’s own needs for fear of triggering a negative reaction. This erosion of self-trust can be devastating, often resulting in a diminished sense of identity and agency.
**Litmus Test:** If you find yourself perpetually at fault, even when following the “rules” set by your partner, you may be in a double bind.
We find you the perfect therapist.
We deep dive into your unique needs to find you a therapist who matches your schedule, style, & budget.
The Abusive Nature of Double Binds in BPD and NPD
Double binds are not simply communication mishaps; they are a form of psychological abuse. In relationships marked by BPD and NPD traits, double binds are used to reinforce control and dominance. They establish a dynamic where the individual with BPD or NPD holds power, leaving their partner feeling destabilized and questioning their own reality.
Those with NPD often create double binds to maintain a superior position in the relationship, keeping their partner uncertain and striving to meet ever-shifting demands. In cases of BPD, double binds may stem from deep-seated fears of abandonment and intense emotional fluctuations, where contradictory demands reflect an internal push-pull between wanting closeness and fearing vulnerability.
Whether conscious or unconscious, double binds ultimately serve the manipulator’s need for control. The recipient, meanwhile, feels trapped in a cycle of appeasement and confusion, unable to escape without disrupting the fragile balance of the relationship.
**Ask yourself:** Does my partner or loved one often place me in situations where I feel I can’t “win” no matter what I do?
Recognizing the manipulative intent behind double binds is crucial.
Research-based, personalized therapy.
At My LA Therapy, our warm and experienced therapists specialize in relationships, trauma, & codependency.
Navigating Double Binds
Escaping a double bind requires us to see the pattern for what it is: a manipulation tactic rooted in control. Awareness is the first and most essential step, particularly when dealing with someone who has BPD or NPD. Once we recognize the pattern, we can start to dismantle its power by setting clear boundaries and seeking validation from others outside the relationship.
Reclaiming a sense of self in this situation often involves seeking support from trusted friends, family, or therapists who can provide perspective and reinforce one’s sense of autonomy. It’s essential to understand that you have a right to your own feelings, needs, and responses—even if they don’t align with the manipulator’s shifting expectations.
**Ask yourself:** What boundaries can I set that affirm my own autonomy, regardless of the manipulator’s reactions?
Boundaries are vital for preserving our integrity amid manipulation.
How Emotional Investment Is Weaponized
In relationships marked by BPD or NPD, double binds are often amplified by our own emotional investment. When we care about the manipulator’s approval, their validation becomes a powerful lever. This attachment is particularly potent for those with BPD, who may use our empathy and desire for connection to bind us further into the cycle.
The more we value their opinion, the more vulnerable we become to their distorted perceptions of us. Individuals with NPD, for example, often dangle the possibility of approval as a means of control. Those with BPD may alternately show deep affection and intense rejection, creating a cycle of hope and despair that keeps their partner ensnared.
**Ask yourself:** Can I see myself through my own lens, rather than being swayed by the fluctuating approval of a partner with BPD or NPD?
Detaching our self-worth from their approval is essential for breaking free.
The Journey to Healing from Double Binds
Healing from double binds is ultimately a journey of rebuilding self-trust, one that involves reclaiming your own perceptions and values from the manipulator’s distorted reality. Those with BPD or NPD often wield a perception of reality that serves their needs, not ours. Therapy provides a sanctuary for this healing, offering tools to untangle these painful experiences and rebuild personal autonomy.
As we learn to validate our own experiences and affirm our boundaries, we start to break free from the cycle. Recognizing the manipulator’s tactics as a reflection of their own struggles, rather than our worth, is a vital part of the healing process.
**Ask yourself:** Who am I outside of the manipulator’s influence? What do I believe about my own worth and values?
These questions guide us back to our true selves, outside the web of manipulation.
Freeing Ourselves from Double Binds
Understanding and addressing double binds is essential for reclaiming our sense of freedom and finding peace. For those in relationships with partners who exhibit BPD or NPD traits, this awareness is crucial. The double bind may feel inescapable, but with resilience, support, and the courage to validate your own experiences, you can break free from its grip.
The journey out of a double bind is ultimately a journey back to yourself. Trusting your perception and intuition is your compass through the maze, helping you navigate the complexities of manipulation and reclaim the life you deserve. Remember, in the face of this unwinnable calculus, your inner voice is the strongest guide you have.
At My LA Therapy, our team specializes in working with relationships, codependency, boundaries, communication, and couples. If you need help, you can work with me or one of my wonderful team members by booking a free call here:
In the meantime, stay true, brave, and kind,
Brooke
Share this post
Author Bio
Brooke Sprowl is an industry-leading expert and author in psychology, spirituality, and self-transformation. Her insights have featured in dozens of media outlets such as Huffington Post, Business Insider, Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Spectrum One News, Mind Body Green, YourTango, and many more.
As the founder and CEO of My LA Therapy, she leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals. Brooke has been a featured speaker at prominent universities and venues such as UCLA School of Public Affairs, USC, Loyola Marymount University, the Mark Taper Auditorium, and Highways Performance Gallery, to name a few.
With a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Welfare with a Mental Health Specialization from UCLA, a Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from USC, and certifications in peak performance and flow science from the Flow Research Collective, Brooke has helped hundreds of prominent leaders and CEO’s overcome anxiety, relationship difficulties, and trauma and reclaim a sense of purpose, vitality, and spiritual connection.
With 15 years of experience in personal development and self-transformation as a therapist and coach, she has pioneered dozens of original concepts and frameworks to guide people in overcoming mental health challenges and awakening spiritually.
Brooke is the host of the podcast, Waking Up with Brooke Sprowl. She is passionate about writing, neuroscience, philosophy, integrity, poetry, spirituality, creativity, effective altruism, personal and collective healing, and curating luxury, transformational retreat experiences for high-achievers seeking spiritual connection.
